That same goddamn itch that drives me to better myself, make the most out of my time, or to align my actions with my goals. Is also that same impulse which prevents me from realizing my goals.
The friciton of actually finishing something, calling it done.
and it comes up in many different forms.
Recently at work, I have been writing a lot of technical documentation and guides, it is a lot fun and I am definitely getting better at it.
However, putting the seal on my work is what takes up the most time.
I always sit down with the best intentions. I'm going to write a guide that is as clear and easy to understand, if something is not clear, I will change it. Then most of the work would be done, without much hassle.
The guide would be done, and I would be proud of my work, but only for a moment.. then the perfectionism kicks in.
- "Is this code snippet copy-pasteable, or will i need to show that it is redacted?"
- "How would a junior dev who has never heard of XXX read this?"
- "If this was the first page I read about Vendure, would I know how to find all the information I need to understand it?"
And every single change seems necessary, and the more I change it, the more embarrassed I get by the quality of my work. I would be anxious about almost having shipped it, or considering even close to being done.
And it keeps going until I reach the point where I think "Great, I've edited this so much it sounds like it was written by an LLM.", So I just give up on it, and start over.
Productive Procrastination
A part of me still realises that I am not actually getting anything done.
But, there is this overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread that I am going to screw it up, how I will taint the reputation of the company, how I will be judged by my peers, how I will be judged by my boss, how I will be judged by my customers.
Which btw, have been nothing but supportive and helpful since day one, if anything, they critisize me for being too lost in the details.
This type of thought patterns drains me, although there is not much output, the input is still there, and that input, is effort.
Reward Latency
We usually feel tired because there is a discrepancy between the effort we put in and the reward we imagine.
This is often why we sometimes struggle taking on tasks that seem easy.
This bleeds into why documentation becomes the victim of perfectionism. I perceive the act of documenting as exhausting because I know I'm going to torture myself trying to make it perfect. So, I just feel drained by the thought of it.
Just write it down
I have this vision of my future self. I want to be the father of a happy family, and just like being a skilled grill-master, that role requires the ability to whip up pancakes on any given Sunday morning, and not just any pancakes, but the best pancakes you've ever had.
Recently, I got so close.
One weekend, I executed a build that was flawless. These pancakes transcended the concept of "breakfast."
The aroma alone was enough to invite everyone to the kitchen: warm vanilla and a hint of browned butter. You could taste the tanginess of the buttermilk in the air.
When they were plated, wisps of steam carried that same inviting warmth. They had a slight crisp on the outside, yet were fluffy on the inside. They held their height, stiff enough to stand tall but soft enough to be a delight to chew. They accepted maple syrup gracefully, yet still dainty on their own.
Everyone who witnessed it agreed: This is the one. it was a masterpiece.
But... I don't know how to do it again.
I didn't write down the recipe... I didn't document it. I was too lazy to write it down, since I had asocsiatted writing anything down with being overwrought with perfectionism, I couldn't, for the life of me, just jot something down anymore.
"It depends"
The reason I went out of my way to iterate on my pancakes —perfectionism— is the exact same reason I was too stifled to just write down the recipe, have have the prefect thing that I wanted.
There is no framework or formula that helps me figure out whether I should go down the rabbit hole of whatever I am trying to achieve. I wish it was that simple.
It is yet another one of those things, where the most important, and hardest thing to get right, is exactly what gets the simplest answer: "it depends". (I hate this answer)
Maybe one day I will rediscover that recipe and learn from my mistake. Until then, I need to figure out how to stop my perfectionism from holding me back from having nice things, yet still be able to strive and ambition, to actually want those nicer things.